Do You Know Your Attachment Style?

Do You Know Your Attachment Style? 

It might seem like a trivial question, but it could be the key to understanding the dynamics of your romantic relationships. 

What is an Attachment Style?

Attachment Theory, which was initially studied in the 1960 and 70s primarily in the context of children and parents, was extended to adult relationships in late 1980s. 

Attachment style is our coping mechanism based on very early experiences with caregivers and other important people in our lives. Depending on their availability and responsiveness to our emotional needs our attachment style was formed and it shapes the way we perceive and act in relationships throughout our lives.  It is important to know your attachment style, because it will explain the dynamic of your romantic relationship and who you tend to be attracted to.

Majority of the time, hopefully, our parents did their best to satisfy all our needs and provided us with safety and care, and we were able to build a secure and stable relationship with them, and consequently, a secure attachment style which carries on to our other relationships.

In case they did not, or if we perceived that our needs were not met, we were likely to develop one of the three insecure attachment styles - anxious, avoidant or disorganized.

Let's take a closer look at them!

Are you:

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you might have an anxious attachment style

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style 

You might have anxious attachment style if you:

People with anxious (preoccupied) attachment style tend to have a negative view of self and positive view of others, they are uncomfortable being alone and 

feel often that they are not able to get close enough to their partners, they need  lot of reassurance and tend to get anxious when not in contact with their partner and can become dependent on them. These people can also be overly jealous and insecure.

Are you:

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you might have an avoidant attachment style

Avoidant Attachment Style

You might have an avoidant attachment style if you: 

People with avoidant attachment style generally have a positive view of self and 

negative view of others. While growing up with emotionally unavailable parents they have learned not to depend on anyone, so they are comfortable being alone and don't want to depend on others. They also don't trust easily, are uncomfortable with intimacy and don't express their feelings. They are emotionally unavailable.

Are you:

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you might have a disorganized attachment style.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style

You might have disorganized attachment style if you: 

The smallest quantity of people are those who have what we call a fearful-avoidant attachment style. These people generally experienced trauma when growing up, eg physical or verbal abuse. They want closeness but are afraid of it. 

These people have unstable or fluctuating views of self and others and have difficulty in trusting others. They want close relationships, but are also scared of getting hurt. 

They are uncomfortable with intimacy and are emotionally unavailable.

Are you:

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you most probably have secure attachment style

Secure Attachment Style

You are probably securely attached if you: 

People with secure attachment style believe that their needs and dreams are worth expressing. When their needs are not being met, they feel that if they express themselves, people will hear them and will generally be validating and loving in response. They are comfortable with closeness and intimacy, and also at home by themselves.

Securely attached people tend to express more commitment to their relationship, they are more satisfied and have longer lasting relationships.

Knowing your attachment style is the first step towards understanding why you act and feel the way you do in your relationships. Understanding your attachment style can help you make more informed decisions and improve your relationships with yourself and your partner. 

Good news is that your attachment style can be changed. It requires awareness and conscious effort (therapy is also helpful and sometimes required). You can learn to attach more securely, to get in touch with your emotional needs, and to form relationships that last.

Relationships that frequently satisfy the desire for intimacy lead to more secure attachment and vice versa, the relationships that rarely satisfy the need for intimacy lead to less secure attachments.

Developing a secure attachment style helps us feel more secure in relationships - to trust others and ourselves, and feel at ease both in intimacy and in distance.

If you are interested in knowing more about your attachment style you are welcome to book a call and we can schedule a session to discuss this in more detail.