Do You Know Your Attachment Style? 

It might seem like a trivial question, but it could be the key to understanding the dynamics of your romantic relationships. 

What is an Attachment Style?

Attachment Theory, which was initially studied in the 1960 and 70s primarily in the context of children and parents, was extended to adult relationships in late 1980s. 

Attachment style is our coping mechanism based on very early experiences with caregivers and other important people in our lives. Depending on their availability and responsiveness to our emotional needs our attachment style was formed and it shapes the way we perceive and act in relationships throughout our lives.  It is important to know your attachment style, because it will explain the dynamic of your romantic relationship and who you tend to be attracted to.

Majority of the time, hopefully, our parents did their best to satisfy all our needs and provided us with safety and care, and we were able to build a secure and stable relationship with them, and consequently, a secure attachment style which carries on to our other relationships.

In case they did not, or if we perceived that our needs were not met, we were likely to develop one of the three insecure attachment styles - anxious, avoidant or disorganized.

Let's take a closer look at them!

Are you:

• Uncomfortable being alone?

• Feeling of not getting close enough to your partner?

• Getting anxious when not in contact with your partner?

• Scared of being abandoned or rejected?

• Overly jealous, suspicious or insecure?

• Afraid of not being good enough for your partner?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you might have an anxious attachment style. 

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style 

You might have anxious attachment style if you:

• feel an intense need for closeness and intimacy

• experience fear of abandonment

• crave for frequent assurance and validation

• may appear "clingy" and experience distress when you don't get the level of attention you need

• often question whether you are good enough, lovable, or worthy.

People with anxious (preoccupied) attachment style tend to have a negative view of self and positive view of others, they are uncomfortable being alone and 

feel often that they are not able to get close enough to their partners, they need  lot of reassurance and tend to get anxious when not in contact with their partner and can become dependent on them. These people can also be overly jealous and insecure.

Are you:

• Comfortable being alone?

• Not wanting to rely on others?

• Not wanting others to depend on you?

• Not able to trust easily?

• Uncomfortable with intimacy?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you might have an avoidant attachment style. 

Avoidant Attachment Style

You might have an avoidant attachment style if you: 

• don’t want to depend on others

• don’t want others to depend on you 

• generally avoid emotional closeness 

• tend to hide or suppress your feelings when faced with a highly emotional situation

• might fear feeling trapped or smothered 

• need your freedom 

• see yourself as highly independent 

• may come off as emotionally distant to others since getting close to them is difficult for you.

People with avoidant attachment style generally have a positive view of self and 

negative view of others. While growing up with emotionally unavailable parents they have learned not to depend on anyone, so they are comfortable being alone and don't want to depend on others. They also don't trust easily, are uncomfortable with intimacy and don't express their feelings. They are emotionally unavailable.

Are you:

• Scared of getting hurt? 

• Expecting to be left, rejected or abandoned? 

• Having difficulty trusting others?

• Uncomfortable with intimacy? 

• Craving close relationships, but at the same time afraid of getting hurt? 

• Finding it difficult to depend on others? 

• Willing to leave before being left?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you might have a disorganized attachment style.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style

You might have disorganized attachment style if you: 

• want intimacy and closeness, but find it difficult to trust and depend on others 

• find it hard to regulate your emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment 

• are afraid of getting hurt find yourself in self-sabotaging patterns

• expect rejection, disappointment and hurt to accompany your close relationships.

The smallest quantity of people are those who have what we call a fearful-avoidant attachment style. These people generally experienced trauma when growing up, eg physical or verbal abuse. They want closeness but are afraid of it. 

These people have unstable or fluctuating views of self and others and have difficulty in trusting others. They want close relationships, but are also scared of getting hurt. 

They are uncomfortable with intimacy and are emotionally unavailable.

Are you:

• Self-contented? 

• Social? 

• Warm? 

• Able to express your feelings? 

• Comfortable being alone? 

• Able to build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships? 

• Not scared of rejection? 

• Comfortable with intimacy?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions above, you most probably have secure attachment style. 

Secure Attachment Style

You are probably securely attached if you: 

• are comfortable expressing your emotions openly 

• can depend on your partner and let your partner rely on you 

• are comfortable with being alone as well as with your partner 

• not afraid of being rejected or abandoned 

• have a positive view of yourself and others.

People with secure attachment style believe that their needs and dreams are worth expressing. When their needs are not being met, they feel that if they express themselves, people will hear them and will generally be validating and loving in response. They are comfortable with closeness and intimacy, and also at home by themselves.

Securely attached people tend to express more commitment to their relationship, they are more satisfied and have longer lasting relationships.

Knowing your attachment style is the first step towards understanding why you act and feel the way you do in your relationships. Understanding your attachment style can help you make more informed decisions and improve your relationships with yourself and your partner. 

Good news is that your attachment style can be changed. It requires awareness and conscious effort (therapy is also helpful and sometimes required). You can learn to attach more securely, to get in touch with your emotional needs, and to form relationships that last.

Relationships that frequently satisfy the desire for intimacy lead to more secure attachment and vice versa, the relationships that rarely satisfy the need for intimacy lead to less secure attachments.

Developing a secure attachment style helps us feel more secure in relationships - to trust others and ourselves, and feel at ease both in intimacy and in distance.

If you are interested in knowing more about your attachment style you are welcome to book a call and we can schedule a session to discuss this in more detail.