Gottman's Four Horsemen and How to Protect Your Relationship from These Killers?

The Gottman Method is a well-researched and highly regarded approach to couples therapy. One of the key concepts of the Gottman Method is the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which are behaviors that can be disastrous to any relationship. The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Let's explore these behaviors in more detail with advice on how to avoid them in your relationship.

1. Criticism: Criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. For instance, saying "you never clean up after yourself" is a criticism. It's hurtful and can damage the emotional bond between partners. On the other hand, a more effective approach would be to say, "I feel overwhelmed when I see dishes in the sink." Criticism can be hurtful and erode the emotional bond in a relationship.

2. Contempt: Contempt is a negative attitude towards your partner, often expressed through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling. It is one of the most damaging of the Four Horsemen and can erode trust and respect in a relationship. For example, saying "you're so stupid" in response to your partner's mistake is contemptuous behavior. A better approach would be to show empathy and support by saying, "I understand that you're feeling upset right now." Couples with strong foundation of respect rarely express contempt.

3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness involves responding to a complaint or criticism with counter-accusations, rather than taking responsibility for your actions. For example, if your partner expresses frustration about the dishes being left in the sink, a defensive response would be "Well, you never do the laundry on time either." It's vital to take responsibility for your part in a problem, rather than blaming your partner, do avoid escalation of the fight.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is the act of withdrawing from the conversation and avoiding interaction with your partner. This can be a result of feeling overwhelmed or stressed, but it can also cause feelings of abandonment and distance in a relationship. It is helpful to take a break from the fight, but do that with expressing your need for space. For example, saying "I need to take a break and calm down for a bit, can we talk later?" can help to prevent stonewalling and allow both partners to come back to the conversation with a clearer head. 

To avoid the Four Horsemen in your relationship, it is important to:

1. Nurture fondness and admiration in your relationship by focusing on the things that your partner is doing right and spend quality time together. Don't forget to tell them often what do you love about them. Couples with a solid foundation of respect, admiration and fondness can handle disagreements and setbacks with greater ease and resilience, as they have a strong sense of connection and understanding.

2. Practice active listening: Make an effort to listen to your partner and understand their perspective, rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. When you make your partner heard and validated, conflict is less likely to happen.

3. Use "I" statements: When expressing a concern or issue, use "I" statements rather than blaming or attacking your partner. Complain without blaming. For example, "I feel frustrated when the dishes are left in the sink" is more effective than "You're always so lazy." And instead of saying "You never help with the cleaning," try saying, "I would really appreciate it if you could help me with the cleaning sometimes." 

4. Take responsibility: When addressing a concern, take responsibility for your own actions and feelings, rather than playing the blame game. For example, "I feel sad when we don't spend enough time together, sounds less threatening than, "You never make time for me!"

5. Seek help: If you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively, consider seeking the support of couples therapy or attend a 7 Principles workshop.

In conclusion, the Four Horsemen can be toxic to a relationship, but with effort and commitment, they can be avoided.  When partners actively nurture fondness and admiration in their relationship, they are more likely to see the best in each other, appreciate each other's strengths, and support each other through challenges. This helps to build a positive and loving dynamic that can weather even the toughest storms. So, make sure to regularly express your appreciation for your partner, show interest in their hobbies and interests, and prioritize spending quality time together to strengthen your bond and keep your relationship thriving. By practicing active listening, using "I" statements, taking responsibility, and seeking help when needed, you can build a strong and fulfilling relationship with your partner. Remember, communication is key, and it's never too late to start working on improving your relationship. If you need specific advice or want to discuss any issue get in touch.